The squirrels are going to lose today.

There’s one now – on the top of the fence by the tree. I’m on it, ferocious, mustache quivering. They are relentless, small and grey. So am I.

Another pops up on the opposite wall. Here I go! I don’t even have to bark. They see me and scurry in fear. Imbeciles! Nut eaters! You’ll never take this yard!

I’m practically dancing on my toes, head erect, eyes wide. I get up on two feet, sometimes. Or my nose is under the fence. I am a lion in the grass. I am a wolf among the shrubbery. I am a wild…

My name! I heard my name. Am I getting a treat? Scamper across the carpet, through the tiled hall — the leash! She has the leash in hand! Her shoes are on! We’re going on a walk!

Okay, gotta stay calm. I’m such a good boy. Yes, I am a good boy. I love walking! My leash is on my collar. It’s time! And I haven’t pooped yet! Oh, joyous deliverance.

Where are we going? If I pull to the path, will we take the path?

Yes! We’re on the path! Oh, I am such a good walker. And this is squirrel central. These trees are their barracks. Theres’ one now! And another! If I wasn’t on this leash…

Oh well. The sun feels nice today. I wonder if I’ll get a treat when I get home. I wonder if my mustache would look better with a little wax. I hear you, squirrels!

Oh GOD! What is that! Just a stick. Whew. It looked like a snake. Sticks like that should be… never mind. The sun feels nice. I bet it’s shining off my grey curls majestically. I hope she admires them. And notices that in my shadow, I look a bit like a Great Dane. A bit.

What’s that noise? Oh, she’s singing. I guess it’s something they do, like barking, and they can’t really help it. Poor things.

Oncoming! Woman, about 40, brown hair, blue jacket, no weird smells, kind of in a hurry. No use wasting charm on her.

“Hiya, scruffy.”

Uhhh, excuse me? Did she just call me “scruffy”? Pssshht. I am majestic. My curls are soft and luxuriant, my mom told me, and she’s always right.

Here’s something great. I’m going to poop soon. I had a spot picked out in the yard already, but pooping on walks is kind of special. Mostly because I get to pick a new spot. And, I know this is going to sound kind of weird, but my human seems to like it when I poop in front of her. She puts it in a baggie and everything. Sometimes she carries it all the way home!

Who can understand humans? I’d better not think about it too much, I’ll get constipated. Ooh, here’s the ivy clump! #1 hottest pee spot in the neighborhood. Francine and Lolo have already stopped by, I smell. They’re experiencing high squirrel volume today. Yeah, because I chased them all to your place! Oh, and Lolo ate some bad pumpkin off the porch railing. Poor Lolo.

The path is ending here, and we’re on the sidewalk now. Plenty of yards to poop in. I’ll stop and sniff a bouncy patch of clover. Should I poop here? No, better move on.

How about this yard with the grass clumps? Smells a bit funny. Maybe not.

This pile of leaves is interesting. But no, not right.

I can’t quite figure out the smell on this plant.

Owww, my nose! My nose has been stabbed! MURDER! Wait, never mind, cactus. Better not pee on it.

Better pee on this freshly planted geranium.

My collar is uncomfortable. Oh, it’s her, pulling on the leash. Come on! We’ve already walked, like, a thousand feet! Can’t we slow down a little? It’s because she has an underdeveloped nose, and it’s much too high in the air. Poor thing.

Maybe I’ll poop here in this clovery patch? Yes, I could poop here. It’s a little shady but – ah. There it goes.

Not as much as I expected, but there’s still that spot in the yard.

God, I can’t watch her do that thing with the bag.

Squirrels! The squirrels have taken over the yard by now! We’ve got to get back! They’re setting up nut stands and building condominiums in the tree, HURRY!

We’re almost there. DON’T stop at the mailbox!! This is madness! I can hear them laughing. Nobody appreciates the work I do around here. Nobody!

Leash is off. The top of the fence by the viney plant! The branch of the orange tree! The ground! The railing! The fence again! When will I get a poop break? Mmm, that smells good, is that pumpkin? Squirrel!



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